20 04 2010

I guess that after 2 weeks it kind of was the moment to feel it… the longing… I am in my bed now and in front of my open eyes I have this image… the place I come from, the family I miss, the friends I wish I could have taken with me… The heat is somewhere there, in the back of my mind… It’s not so bad now, after the gym and the cold shower… yes, the same one I was complaining about in Ghana… here it’s more than a need! But still the sleep fairy avoids me…

I guess talking today and yesterday with my sister made everything come in a rush… but it’s different from the way it used to feel in Ghana… it lacks the desperation and the feeling that time just stopped and no matter what I am doing, it will never go away  fast enough… It lacks the tears I was praying for in Ghana… It’s so hard for me to cry… I haven’t cried for real since September 2008… Yes, I remember… because when I cry the world falls apart… my world… so I refuse to cry!

This longing is so different now… it’s not painful or sad… it’s just a feeling that refuses to go away… I don’t fight it… I don’t embrace it either…  I don’t want it… but I don’t hate it either…Somehow “maturity” popped into my mind… again I don’t feel it’s the case here… I am not a grown up… not yet… I honestly refuse to be…

The love I feel for my family bursts out in the oddest moments… when my family isn’t besides me… when I cannot scream it, voice it, touch it… I spent 3 months home and in the last 2 I didn’t knew how to show it better and enjoy it… And now I am longing to do it… For two months I felt trapped in my home… instead of enjoying the love cloud and the trust… Every time I am leaving I am saying to myself that next time I will not do the same mistake… But I know that the next time will be exactly the same… Dreaming of leaving… of a new adventure… followed by the longing after the love I left behind…

I would hug somebody right now just for the share pleasure of sharing someone else’s body heat. To quench the thirst I have right now for my love ones… I feel like I am a drug addict that desperately needs a dose… will it help? Maybe…

Me… a little bit homesick… but it will pass 🙂

PS: In my opinion “DOR” is the most beautiful Romanian word because it expresses love and longing for something you cannot have!




One response

1 06 2010
Azi mi-e dor* « AlexandraBirladianu's Blog

[…] PS:  *=DOR […]

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