This is me pitying myself!

15 07 2010

I haven’t written anything in a while… I didn’t felt like it… India feels strange to me now… and the need to be home sometimes it’s just overwhelming… I’ve missed Cosi’s birthday, on Saturday is Geo’s wedding… and I am here, in a country that feels stranger every day.

Lately I constantly ask myself why I am here. Why, why, why?  Miles and miles away from home…. Sometimes I take the small crowded bus just to remind myself how lucky I am. And while I am listening to my music, trying to not look at the people that stare at me… the questions come in a fury… Why in the world I left, for a second time, so far away from home? Is all this worth it? Missing birthdays, family events, great friends’ weddings… What for?

...

I am telling myself… this is building my character, I will be stronger… Didn’t Ghana made me strong enough? The 6 months spent there were definitely a challenge… Did I really need a second one? And at times I feel so alone, so so alone. And it’s hard…

I know it’s not supposed to be easy… but it’s so so hard…

I was watching the pigs this morning… In Gurgaon you can see lots of stray animals. Mostly cows, pigs and dogs… And we have a quite large family of pigs walking around our complex. And they are so fat and dirty… and they look so happy… I haven’t felt truly happy in quite some time now… I have my moments when I laugh and have a good time… but then I go home and I remember… I am alone… and sometimes I don’t have to go home and remember I am alone… and that is the worst feeling of all… feeling alone while you are surrounded by people…

I think I have trust issues 😛 Or maybe I have left so many friends, real friends behind, both in Romania and Ghana… that getting close to other people it’s just an effort my conscience doesn’t want to make anymore. I stooped going to parties because I hate small talks… Maybe I am just getting old… or maybe is the sadness of not finding my place somewhere in this world… a place to belong to… with people to belong with…

I wanna go home… just for a little while… to be with people I love… I want to be hold for a couple of minutes… and then to come back, with more energy and optimism… and fall back in love with India… Love/hate relationships are so consuming… This is my second one and I don’t think I could survive a third 😛 Maybe I should take the small white bus again tomorrow… Just to remind myself that I am lucky… and a complainer by nature… Oh, Lucia and Aqua… where are you?

Me… I don’t know… maybe finally growing up a bit!

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18 responses

15 07 2010
andreea derla

heiii…fruntea sus!stiu ca probabil nu ti-e usor dar simteam nevoia sa te incurajezi si sunt convinsa ca sunt la fel de multi oameni care se gandesc la tine si te asteapta acasa. o sa vina si momentul ala! si nu…nu imbatranesti:)suntem inca in ffff tinere:) si mai ai timp destul sa iti gasesti un loc in lume si atunci o sa fii truly haapy pentru ca ai sa ai cu ce sa compari si cum sa apreciezi, spre deosebire de muulti altii! asa ca astept din nou acele posturi dragute ale tale cu “me happy”:)

16 07 2010
alexandrabirladianu

Multam frumos Andreea 🙂 Da, truly happy imi doresc si eu sa fiu 🙂 Ti pup

15 07 2010
Lau

Alexuta mea draga,

te inteleg atat de bine.. seara, cand te intorci de la lucru, cand luminile se sting..oricat de bine ar fi in tara straina in care te afli (situatia mea:) realizezi cat de dor iti e de cei dragi, de lucrurile marunte de acasa.. 🙂

dar gandeste-te ca timpul trece (prea repede din pacate..) si curand vom fi din nou toate ACASA 🙂

inchide ochii si imagineaza-ti ca te imbratisez tare-tare pentru 2 minutele 🙂

te pup cu dor!!

16 07 2010
alexandrabirladianu

Gata, am inchis ochii si mi-am imaginat 🙂 Ma simt un pic mai bine 😀 Mi-e un dor de voi incredibil… si imi doresc tare mult sa fim toate ACASA, la mine in livada… si sa stam la plaja 😀 Ti pup tare tare

15 07 2010
cosi

Alexa, sorry sa aud ca te simti lonely…. e normal sa fii home sick din cand in cand.. asta iti arata ca inca mai ai sentimente … which is good 🙂
Dar chiar daca nenumaratii tai prieteni (din toate colturile lumii) nu sunt fizic langa tine acum, sa stii k si ei se gandesc la tine si iti simt lipsa…
Si don’t worry, ca vor mai fi numeroase ocazii speciale ale prietenilor la care vei avea ocazia sa participi in viitor… asha ca don’t be sad si bucura-te de aventura din Asia! pup u
P.S. cya in .. 2 luni 😀

15 07 2010
Lau

i like! :p

16 07 2010
alexandrabirladianu

Cosi, nici nu stii cum numar zilele pana veniti la mine 😀 Abia te astept… It will be so much fun :D… cel putin eu asa sper 😀 Ti pup

16 07 2010
William

O Alexa! I miss you, too! I am sorry that you are having a rough time of it. All I can say is that you have to enjoy the bad times with the good ones bc otherwise life would be so boring if we were happy all the time. And speaking of pigs, your post reminded me of the time we went to the beach at Cape Coast and watched a family of pigs waddle through the surf. Pretty random, but hopefully a nice memory to help you through this period. Lots of love from the GH!!!

16 07 2010
alexandrabirladianu

I remember, William 🙂 It was after we went to Kakum National Park and we stopped for lunch in Cape Coast 🙂 We laughed so much about those pigs and now, every time I see the pigs in Gurgaon I remember that afternoon… and also the naked man in the evening, while we were searching for cabs 😛 It was such a fun day 🙂 I miss you and I hope Ghana is great :* And you are right, without bad moments we cannot fully appreciate the great ones 🙂 BIG BIG hug from the concrete jungle 🙂

16 07 2010
Irina

Hey,
Nici nu ne cunoastem prea bine, eu te tin minte din AIESEC Iasi 2005-6, dar citesc mereu ce scrii pe blog si te admir mult de tot. Iti doresc sa gasesti puterea sa treci peste clipele astea mai grele, it will worth the effort. Ai grija de tine si numai bine. Warm warm hugs from Brussels,
Irina.

16 07 2010
alexandrabirladianu

Multumesc mult Irina, incurajarile tale inseamna mult 🙂 Ti pup :*

16 07 2010
Aqua

Alex, I know these days, when you think WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING HERE, and i feel same way sometimes, loneliness in the croud of people….but you know the best part will be when you will really for real come home and you will feel at home and you will be able to say I AM BACK strong and with all this experience, make yourself egg sandwich or dance in the room some crazy song, amybe it will help, dont be too strict to yourself, sometimes we feel lonely and unhappy but thats because we need to recognize what is happiness.
Remember we are here for you all the time, even if far, we are still here to care and hug.
You know even when sky looks grey it is still blue, and we all know it, even if we dont see.
I wish i could hug you

19 07 2010
alexandrabirladianu

My dear Aqua :*, It took me a while to reply but I kind of stayed away from my blog lately… I miss home but I know I will want to leave it in 3 weeks if I would go there right now… and it’s so confusing 🙂 India messes with my head, there are things I love one day and hate the next… things that make me laugh one afternoon and a week later the same things make me think of murder… I know you are there for me all the time… but it would be lovely to be able to hug you from time to time :* I wish I could hug you right now too :* Sending all my love :*

22 07 2010
Livia-Maria

Salut,

sunt sigura ca nu stii cine sunt, dar eu imi amintesc de tine din AIESEC 2006. Am mai citit blogul tau si cand erai in Ghana. Super tare. Mult curaj mai ai, exact cum imi amintesc de tine. Ma bucur pentr tine ca esti acum in India. Si eu imi mai plang de mila singurica pe aici.
Spor si succes de la o copchilitza enervanta! hugs!
Livia – Frankfurt.

25 07 2010
ip

Dear Miss pity, u dint write about the occasional parties that u attend, a occasional movie where you at least say you having a good time? life is meant to be Grey abit og white a bit of black. I felt the same way as u did in the USA….it has something to do with being home sick not entirely the place…..I has Thai friends quit college in the US coz they could not cope. New places take time you will have your lil fun group soon. You for get, your friends back home were a result of time, patience, caring for a long time. It will happen to you here as well, but in good time.

Regards,

IP

25 07 2010
alexandrabirladianu

No, I guess I didn’t 🙂 It’s a love/hate relationship I am having with India… There are days when I love being here and I congratulate myself for my decision to come… and there are days when the homesickness just covers everything else… and as much as I want and as much as I try to control it, it can’t be controlled… it’s part of the experience, a big part of it… and I guess it wouldn’t be the same without these feelings, these needs… That doesn’t mean India is a bad place… or I love it less in the moments in which I love it… because when I love it… I love it with all my heart… just like when I hate it 🙂 I hope with time wisdom will come to me 🙂

2 06 2013
it is your responsibility to make sure you are dressed properly11

I absolutely enjoy just going through every one of your blogs. I would like to inform that you have individuals much like me who value your work.

12 06 2013
Alexandra

Thank you 🙂

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