India, you are not incredible!

18 10 2010

My life isn’t how I imagined it to be when I decided to come to India. Nor how I imagined it to be 6 months ago, in June 2010 or on 25th of August 2010!

At the beginning of all this I thought it’s my fault. I was thinking day after day that maybe I am doing something wrong. That maybe there is something I am missing in this entire context. I cried and I never do. And I cried so many times since September that it infuriates me even more. I guess I had to recover all the lost cries between September 2008 and September 2010. 😛

I don’t believe it’s my fault anymore. As incredible as India is for some people, as incredible as I hoped it will be for me, it is not. And I am not going to lie about it. I can actually say it out loud: India, you are not incredible!

I am not sorry I came here. I wouldn’t have learned this if I didn’t. And at the end of the day I do hope it builds character, like Calvin’s dad says all the time 😛

Maybe my expectations were too high. I don’t know. They are definitely below the line right now so I guess something good should come out of this. 😀

Some things are on the right track and I am happy and grateful for them. I live with this amazing bunch of people, from all over the world and it’s awesome. I re-learned in India a lesson I learned in Ghana in 2009, “Appreciate little things!!!” Like my own space. Or the beautiful people that understand what I am going through and are close to my heart.

I am not mad. I am not upset. I am not depressed. I am just disappointed and that what’s make the situation even sadder. I was never perfect. I don’t want to be. I like making mistakes… like cutting my hair completely in 2007. I learn from them. Right now I know I will never do something like that ever again. But I also know that I wouldn’t have the same haircut line since May 2009 if it wouldn’t have been for the haircut in 2007.

But I am off the subject here.

There are people in India that shame India. I am sure that there are these kinds of people all over the world, in every country. I used to not care about them but not anymore. It’s time to make a stand for myself. I will probably make mistakes, I am only human… but like any other human being I deserve respect. For who I am, for my work and for a number of other reasons that people who know me are already aware.

So dear India, it’s bumpy, it’s an experience… or maybe it’s just me. But today I didn’t liked you very much. I guess I stopped liking you on August 25th. And it’s not just me… or the other people out there that get affected by this.

When I will be older and wiser I will have an answer to all this. Or maybe, how a very wise friend of mine says it… it will be like it never happened. And I guess this is even sadder. I won’t erase from my mind all the good things that happened to me in India. Just the bad ones and the bad people! It will be like you never existed! 😀

There are some people out there that probably think… she deserves this! Why in the world would she go in such a different culture? I say nobody going to a place with an open heart deserves this.

Right now I feel free. Because today I made a stand for myself! I don’t know where this will take me but I can look at myself in the mirror and say… “Yes, I did the right thing! Maybe not the smartest one, but the right one!”

So congratulations to me… Another lesson learned the hard way! 🙂

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10 responses

19 10 2010
Lucian

Vino acasa, Alex, we all like you here!

19 10 2010
Alexandra Birladianu

😀 Multumesc 🙂 Asta chiar m-a facut sa ma simt mai bine 🙂 Si vin cat de curand 😀

19 10 2010
Magda

Dar ce a putut sa fie asa de grav?

19 10 2010
Alexandra Birladianu

E o poveste lunga tare… si daca m-ar lasa inima sa spun mai mult, as face asta. Dar nu ma lasa, asa, ca un om de comunicare ce sunt 😛 Dar va fi bine… inca o lectie de la viata la activ, cu si despre oameni :* Ti pup

19 10 2010
Danifeld

E ciudat sa vad ce ai scris aici, pt ca la inceput si pot sa zic intr-o oarecare masura si acum acelasi lucru il traiesc si eu. Am ajuns la concluzia ca: experienta minunata dintr-un prim exchange = dezamagire in al 2-lea.

Prima data cand pleci nu ai nici o asteptare si te gandesti cum o sa fie, o sa fie. De cele mai multe ori, daca esti o persoana normala e minunat.
In al 2-lea xchange, pleci cu asteptari mari si ramai dezamagit. E ca un film care toata lumea iti povesteste si te uiti la el, iar la final ajungi sa fii dezamagit.

Cred ca ideea ar fi sa te bucuri de lucruri, sa o consideri o experienta si sa gandesti pozitiv. Poate iti lipsesc oameni, poate esti atasata de locuri samd.

Ai grija de tine!

19 10 2010
Alexandra Birladianu

Da, asta incerc sa fac 🙂 Ti pup 😀

20 10 2010
Laura

Salut,

sper ca totusi nu este ceva f grav ce s-a intamplat la tine…
Nici aici (in Ro) nu este numai lapte si miere, ce-i drept, si in ultima vreme se intampla lucruri care n-ar trebui sa le merite poporul roman (just turn on the TV). Sau poate ca meritam?!
Dar mai bine nu-l deschizi, e mai sanatos 😀 Si iti vezi de viata ta.

In alta ordine de idei, uneori vorba ‘tot acasa e mai bine’ poate ca are si ea rostul ei.

Cat mai stai la indieni?

Laura

26 11 2010
Alexandra Birladianu

Buna Laura,

Mi-am neglijat mult de tot blogul in ultima vreme dar iti raspund acum 🙂 Nu cred ca e lapte si miere nicaieri… Viata ne ofera la toti provocari si probabil ca ar fi super plictisitor daca nu s-ar intampla asta 🙂 Ma intorc pe 23 dec… o sa stau o perioada mai lunga acasa si dupa aia o sa revin un pic in India :), probabil prin aprilie anul viitor 🙂 Nu e nimic stabilit clar pana in momentul de fata 🙂

Te pup 🙂

23 10 2010
Dear fiend

a few questions: what have happened at the 25th of August 2010? How did you make the stand for yourself? and what the hell is going on that made you to write you such a post? !!!

I’m getting really worried for you,
D

26 11 2010
Alexandra Birladianu

Dasha baby… If I could talk about that more, I probably would… :* I am better now… quite a few months later 😛

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