Frozen.

6 11 2010

So I had dengue! Yes, I know. Its old news… but I still have a bump in the back of my head that reminds me of it. And of course 6 kg less! I guess you do lose some weight when you eat nothing for 6 days. It was bad. And at a certain point I did asked myself if I will die in India. Yes, that bad and that scary!

Nothing bad was supposed to happen in October. And then in the last day my grandmother died. I couldn’t cry. Now how she would have deserved me to cry for her loss. And I feel guild. For all the things that had remained unsaid between us. For all the things I did wrong. For all the things I felt she did wrong. Stubborn women, me, her, all the women in my family!

I want to go home. I want to hug my mom and tell her that I love her. My family is everything to me but here I am, in a place I don’t even like that much anymore. Well, I never really did. For somebody that is supposed to adapt easily, I didn’t do it at all. And I know now that taking the local bus doesn’t mean I adapted. It just means I need to get to work somehow and as cheap as possible.

Ivette is here, thank God for Ivette! She helps me keep my sanity. Every morning she laughs at me while I hug the calendar. Yes, it’s that bad. I want home. I want my mom, my dad, my room, my cat. I want to feel like I belong to something and to somebody.

I was numb. For two weeks of my life I was numb. In a way I still am. I guess when somebody close to you dies, for a moment you don’t want to live anymore. And when you didn’t ever say goodbye it’s even worse. Guilt. It’s such an ugly feeling.

I am alive, in India, for 7 more weeks. I don’t care about making them count, I don’t care anymore about the things I wanted to see. And it’s such a waste of my time here. And I am aware of it but I am also numb. Maybe I will come back one day when I will be able to really see.

I want to sleep. Wake up on 23rd of December with my entire luggage done and on my way to the airport. I want to read on an A4 sheet Delhi – London-Bucharest-Iasi. I want to see my Dad and my nephew waiting for me at the airport in my home town, at 9 am, on 24th. I want to go alone at my grandmother’s grave and cry. For all the things that remained unsaid. For me, her, for my entire family…

Most of all I want to stop feeling guilty for laughing while she is dead.

Now I am frozen!

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4 responses

7 11 2010
olushka

my tears are rolling down my cheeks….I want to be with you, hold you, caress you, I hate to see what is happening to you and I hate people who know u need them and they arent there for you…Alex I sometimes fuckin hate the life…how can it be so cruel at once, kick u when ur already down, kick you again but harder, and you still look for that little light at the end of the tunnel coz ur a damn romantic….
I am very glad that you share ur life here in the blog, I want you to be here with me and stand still for a while….miss you immensly…..

Olga

26 11 2010
Alexandra Birladianu

I guess we learn that life goes on! I miss you my dear friend and our friendship is one of the best things that this Indian experience gave me… India gave me good and bad in the same measures… and sometimes bad luck happens… and I guess we get over it in good time! See you soon :*

10 11 2010
Mon

CONDOLEANTE SI….CURAJ..EU TE STIU OPTIMISTA …VIATA MERGE INAINTE….

26 11 2010
Alexandra Birladianu

Multumesc mult Mon. Ne vedem acusi 🙂 Ti pup

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