Is this the end?

18 03 2011

maybe I should just wear sunscreen!

I am looking back with a somehow sense of pride. I really did things that not many people do. I took my life by the horns and I lived. I had ups and downs, I dreamed and had dreams killed… and I always hoped for the best…

I am 26 and I struggle all the time with the feeling that I haven’t accomplished enough for my age. I don’t have financial security and this is the main thing that is eating me alive. Just like everybody else… or almost everybody else, I want my own crib, a place where I can invest money and creativity and have it for more than 6 months or one year. I want to stop fitting my life in a 23 kg suitcase. I want more… I want security for a change.

In 2009, after spending 3 years and a half in the largest youth organization in the world having various roles, I decided to pursue an international career in communication. And what a ride has been since then… 2 countries, 2 continents so very different than anything I have ever experienced before. Looking back I can only feel love and excitement for Ghana, West Africa and respect for all the wonderful people that have influenced my career in India, Asia. They say that life is a journey, not a destination… mine was the coolest journey a young woman could have… with the good and the bad, with the emotion, with the hope and the fear… with everything that implies being utterly alone at the end of the day, facing who you are and what you want to become.

Is this the end? Has the time come for me to make up my mind, to grow up, make a decision and live with it? It’s never easy, is it? It’s not supposed to be… but sometimes I just wish I had it easier… more money for my studies, smarter decisions at the right time, loved ones in the worst moments. I want more days of feeling the luckiest person in the world… I want more days with interesting projects and creativity… I want more days with a full salary in my bank account… more days with my friends… I want more days of feeling carefree…

I am scared to come back to Romania and look for a job. I am scared I won’t find one… one that won’t feel like a job but like a blessing. I am scared I won’t feel the same enthusiasm I feel for my job here. I am scared the pessimism Romania is going through right now as a country is going to touch me and stain me forever. I am scared I won’t be able to adapt. I am scared of being one of the young people that has the responsibility to build a new Romania.

I am so tempted to postpone it, make another 23kg suitcase and fly to greener pastures. I don’t want to look back and see myself as another young woman that gave up on Romania and decided to be selfish and make a place for herself in another, better world. I don’t want to be that person that gave up on the country that helped her be the person she is today.

In the same time I don’t want my life to always be a struggle. I am looking at what my parents go to every day, at the amount of work they put in for the smallest benefits. I have never dared to ask them “Are you really happy?”; “Is your life how you dreamed it to be when you were 26?”; “Are you happy, not content, with the decisions you made?” I am scared of the answer. What if they aren’t?

I am looking at my friends that live in Romania, fight for it, and create opportunities for their fellow Romanians. I am looking at them and at their accomplishments and I feel so proud. I am sure it’s not easy for them although from the distance it may seem so. They make me feel optimistic because at the end of the day my country still has heroes. They are my age and they are fighters. They didn’t turn their back on their country and they believe in it…

Cheers to them, to the Romanians that make it happen for Romania! To the ones that believe it’s possible. I hope I will be one of you some day. I hope I will live not the feel the shame of a deserter but the pride of the one that fought for and believed in a better Romania.

At this point of time I don’t know… I remember one question that haunted me during my AIESEC experience. One of our partners, a former AIESEC member, asked us how many of us are or will be truly leaders… I don’t know… I don’t even know if I should hope to be one…

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9 responses

18 03 2011
Anca Onuta

Aiiii Alex Alex Alex!
U know almost all of us are afraid to go back home on these times. And when you are home you except so much from Romania and from Romanians that you are disappointed…
I also been afraid to don’t lose the enthusiasm with which I came back, or to can’t find the job I wanted to, but with the time u start learning how to handle it, you get ur life back or u build another one, u learn to enjoy ur country more than others do and.. u surround yourself only with such kind of people and u ignore the others.
I’m one of those who believe in Romania and who decided to stay home and prove it is possible! and I’m sure you are one too!
Maybe it is not going to be easy, neither fast, but the satisfaction is just amazing!

Big Romanian hug!!!

21 03 2011
Alexandra Birladianu

Dear Anca,

Big Romanian hug… from India 😛 I like your optimism, makes me feel a lot better 🙂 I will fit some masala tea in my bag if you have time to stop by the train station on 1st of april 😀

Hugs,
Alex

18 03 2011
Dasha

OOh, I know what are you talking about! All my friends are keep asking me if I’m leaving again or staying for good? But i don’t know, have no clue where I belong to, and what is the best to do. The best for me and for everybody.
When my ex asked me if I’m planning to live somewhere else then Russia, I sad might be… and asked him if he would like to live abroad. -No, never.
And do you know, Alexa, what was his answer on my question Why? Because I’m Russian, I belong here.
It’s so easy for him! Why can’t it be same for everybody?

21 03 2011
Alexandra Birladianu

My dear Dasha,

I so miss you and your pragmatism 😀 I guess its stop being easy once you get the taste of traveling and doing things out of the ordinary 🙂 One of my friends used to say that ignorance can also be a blessing. You can’t want what you don’t know it exists. I am afraid we’ve got the “globetrotter bug” 😛 How is Russia treating you these days?

Love,
Alexa

23 03 2011
Dasha

It’s great to be back! Now? I really enjoy and love my country ever more than before! And only best people are left in my life! Who I need to be next to me and who need me!

I believe, you can do it! You can do enything you’ve decided to! Just don’t change your mind!

Hugs!

19 03 2011
Iulian Boia

Impressive article!

It does get scary when you’re surrounded by pessimism and uncertainty, but I believe you have what it takes to sort it all out!

Take care!

Iulian

21 03 2011
Alexandra Birladianu

Thank you Iulian 🙂 I guess when you are surrounded by the right people is hard not to believe in a better Romania 🙂

24 03 2011
pax

Should we start a club? 🙂
An AA spin-off.

24 03 2011
Alexandra Birladianu

😀 I love your blog 🙂

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