Azi mi-e dor*

1 06 2010

Again the word that has so obsessively marked my exchange experiences… But today I expected it. It’s 1st of June after all.

All people that know me a little bit know how much I love my nephew… They know because I talk about him all the time… because I am so proud of him and I feel that the world should know what a great little person he is.

I spoke with him on Sunday. He is currently making a natural science museum for himself. And I, I am sending him wild animals, insects and dinosaurs for his collection… All the way from India 😀 I will never forget my journey from Ghana with a traditional African drum… just for him. So why not send some toys from India? 🙂 Of course that they can find all these toys in Romania but they will not be from me… And I hate breaking promises! So poor Alice, besides her big bags has to also carry a box with toys for a 5 years old 😛

So a bitter-sweet 1st of June for me… A bitter-sweet children’s day… I missed his party in kindergarten, and I will also miss the one for the end of the year… And his birthday… and probably Christmas. Being away gives you so much and takes so much of you… It makes you stronger but the moments in which you are paralysed by fear take all your strength in a minute… And the hugs that really count are miles and miles away 😦

Tomorrow are 2 months since I left my home. The time flew away in front of my eyes, when I wasn’t paying attention. This time I don’t have a calendar and I am not making little “X”s every day, like I used to do in Ghana 🙂

I love India and it’s mostly because I love my daily activities which normal people call a job:P I love India and it’s mostly because of my colleagues, which now I see more as friends. I love India and it’s mostly because of Alice. I love India and it’s mostly because of the friends I made here… I love India mostly because …n more other reasons…

But most of all I love India because I feel it helps me be a better me.

OK, so my “being depressed” moment has ended. I wish you to enjoy the time you spend close to your loves one. We often don’t realize how precious they are… The next “being depressed” moment is going to be on 4th of June… and I will get over it. Because I am a strong person and I smile often 😛 I am also very modest… as I am sure you have noticed 😛

Me happy 🙂

PS:  *=DOR


20 04 2010

I guess that after 2 weeks it kind of was the moment to feel it… the longing… I am in my bed now and in front of my open eyes I have this image… the place I come from, the family I miss, the friends I wish I could have taken with me… The heat is somewhere there, in the back of my mind… It’s not so bad now, after the gym and the cold shower… yes, the same one I was complaining about in Ghana… here it’s more than a need! But still the sleep fairy avoids me…

I guess talking today and yesterday with my sister made everything come in a rush… but it’s different from the way it used to feel in Ghana… it lacks the desperation and the feeling that time just stopped and no matter what I am doing, it will never go away  fast enough… It lacks the tears I was praying for in Ghana… It’s so hard for me to cry… I haven’t cried for real since September 2008… Yes, I remember… because when I cry the world falls apart… my world… so I refuse to cry!

This longing is so different now… it’s not painful or sad… it’s just a feeling that refuses to go away… I don’t fight it… I don’t embrace it either…  I don’t want it… but I don’t hate it either…Somehow “maturity” popped into my mind… again I don’t feel it’s the case here… I am not a grown up… not yet… I honestly refuse to be…

The love I feel for my family bursts out in the oddest moments… when my family isn’t besides me… when I cannot scream it, voice it, touch it… I spent 3 months home and in the last 2 I didn’t knew how to show it better and enjoy it… And now I am longing to do it… For two months I felt trapped in my home… instead of enjoying the love cloud and the trust… Every time I am leaving I am saying to myself that next time I will not do the same mistake… But I know that the next time will be exactly the same… Dreaming of leaving… of a new adventure… followed by the longing after the love I left behind…

I would hug somebody right now just for the share pleasure of sharing someone else’s body heat. To quench the thirst I have right now for my love ones… I feel like I am a drug addict that desperately needs a dose… will it help? Maybe…

Me… a little bit homesick… but it will pass 🙂

PS: In my opinion “DOR” is the most beautiful Romanian word because it expresses love and longing for something you cannot have!

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