India, you are not incredible!

18 10 2010

My life isn’t how I imagined it to be when I decided to come to India. Nor how I imagined it to be 6 months ago, in June 2010 or on 25th of August 2010!

At the beginning of all this I thought it’s my fault. I was thinking day after day that maybe I am doing something wrong. That maybe there is something I am missing in this entire context. I cried and I never do. And I cried so many times since September that it infuriates me even more. I guess I had to recover all the lost cries between September 2008 and September 2010. 😛

I don’t believe it’s my fault anymore. As incredible as India is for some people, as incredible as I hoped it will be for me, it is not. And I am not going to lie about it. I can actually say it out loud: India, you are not incredible!

I am not sorry I came here. I wouldn’t have learned this if I didn’t. And at the end of the day I do hope it builds character, like Calvin’s dad says all the time 😛

Maybe my expectations were too high. I don’t know. They are definitely below the line right now so I guess something good should come out of this. 😀

Some things are on the right track and I am happy and grateful for them. I live with this amazing bunch of people, from all over the world and it’s awesome. I re-learned in India a lesson I learned in Ghana in 2009, “Appreciate little things!!!” Like my own space. Or the beautiful people that understand what I am going through and are close to my heart.

I am not mad. I am not upset. I am not depressed. I am just disappointed and that what’s make the situation even sadder. I was never perfect. I don’t want to be. I like making mistakes… like cutting my hair completely in 2007. I learn from them. Right now I know I will never do something like that ever again. But I also know that I wouldn’t have the same haircut line since May 2009 if it wouldn’t have been for the haircut in 2007.

But I am off the subject here.

There are people in India that shame India. I am sure that there are these kinds of people all over the world, in every country. I used to not care about them but not anymore. It’s time to make a stand for myself. I will probably make mistakes, I am only human… but like any other human being I deserve respect. For who I am, for my work and for a number of other reasons that people who know me are already aware.

So dear India, it’s bumpy, it’s an experience… or maybe it’s just me. But today I didn’t liked you very much. I guess I stopped liking you on August 25th. And it’s not just me… or the other people out there that get affected by this.

When I will be older and wiser I will have an answer to all this. Or maybe, how a very wise friend of mine says it… it will be like it never happened. And I guess this is even sadder. I won’t erase from my mind all the good things that happened to me in India. Just the bad ones and the bad people! It will be like you never existed! 😀

There are some people out there that probably think… she deserves this! Why in the world would she go in such a different culture? I say nobody going to a place with an open heart deserves this.

Right now I feel free. Because today I made a stand for myself! I don’t know where this will take me but I can look at myself in the mirror and say… “Yes, I did the right thing! Maybe not the smartest one, but the right one!”

So congratulations to me… Another lesson learned the hard way! 🙂

Rotten apples…

18 06 2010

There is a Secret Delhi in India… maybe not so secret once you get in here… It’s populated with all kind of people… wanna be’s, party organizers, players, naïve girls, not so naïve, Indians, expats, East Europeans, rich people, people that want very badly to be rich, girls flashing their Louis Vuitton bags, girls wanting a Luis Vuitton bag, interns, call girls in disguise, nice people, not so nice people, wolves dressed in lamb skin… and the list can go on and on…

The temptation is everywhere you go after 10pm… Like beautiful beautiful apples. Almost perfect… and you don’t realize that is all a mask till you take a bite… I was tempted and I took one… a very small one… It was sweet at the beginning… The truth is I have always enjoyed the game… But while chewing my little bite with my East European teeth, it became bitter… just like the game!


“Only interested in Russian, Ukrainian and East European Women 🙂 :-)”, „I don’t like PDA” (Public Display of Affection), „I want to spoil you!”, „I want a Russian pool dancer” and the list may go one… I asked myself in the last couple of weeks if I want this, all this… Can I handle it? Do I want to handle it? The answer is no. I don’t want this and I can’t handle it… I am not a player… I don’t want to be one 🙂 If somehow I gave the wrong impression, I apologize 😛

The kind of hug I need can’t be found in „The Secret Delhi”. There is no real affection in there. No real honesty… I sometimes do mistakes in my experience… I don’t regret one single mistake I made in the past 25 years… Hopefully I will be wiser in the next 25… The easy way is so tempting sometimes… but in this life nothing comes for free… no matter what the beautiful red apple says 😛 Am I temped for a second bite…? Maybe… Some red apples are sooo mouth watering… but Secret Delhi did teach me an important lesson… I can stop whenever I want to… I guess the time is now 🙂

So I will be careful from now on… I am here for the good reasons and today proved that to me once again… I know who I am… I have the capacity to understand and forgive myself for my mistakes… and I never repeat them 🙂

Goodbye Secret Delhi… I know you won’t miss me… I was barely there… I won’t miss you either… from now on you are barely there for me 🙂 Thank God for the right happenings at the right time 🙂 Somebody up there loves me 🙂

India I love you, with or without „The Secret Delhi”

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