India and I,

25 07 2010

I have pieces of my heart left everywhere...

In the thoughts I posted lately on my blog I gave the impression that I don’t like India. And sometimes I just don’t. It was a very difficult month for me… month no 4. But that doesn’t mean India is an ugly place. Sometimes it’s hard, very hard… but sometimes it’s just beautiful. And full of wonder and joy. Sometimes it makes me wish I could cry… and sometimes I restrain the shouting and the pain in the very last moment. And there are times when I don’t restrain it at all 😦

I believe that this last month was again meant as a lesson for me. I said earlier that my faith in God sometimes exists… and sometimes it doesn’t. The truth is I believe in a greater power… and I believe this was just another lesson to be learned. Something I once knew and I forgot for a while… I cannot control everything. It’s the one impossible thing in the world. And it’s a good idea to sometimes embrace the love and the hate, the pain and the joy… the fight inside your mind. I cannot control everything. I cannot have everything. That doesn’t mean I won’t try 😀 I believe this is pure human nature…

I saw Inception today… and I know that most people think about dreams and if maybe something like this could be real one day… What touched me the most in the movie was Cobb’s desire to go home. I think in the end, we are all searching for our home; we all want to be home. They say home is where your heart is. Right now my heart is in so many places and belongs to so many people… And it belongs to India too… sometimes the pieces scream to be together, and the pain comes in a fury… but sometimes they understand that it’s not the right time yet…

I miss my home just like I miss Ghana, just like I miss my best friends, just like I miss my MC Team, just like I miss so many other things… and this time lovely India got the blame, like Ghana got it a year ago. And I know that I will miss India when I will go home…

I am trying to cope with everything. I really am. I am not always successful but small things help… It’s a love/hate relationship. Today it was love… I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I guess that’s just part of the experience 🙂

Me amazed after seeing Nolan’s work of art… There are truly incredible people out there…





An Education!

5 05 2010

My biggest fear in life is that of being raped. The idea terrifies me… Maybe because I was attacked twice with that intention… I can honestly tell you that it is something you can’t ever forget… Never ever… I was 18 and 19 at that time and I can still remember everything in vivid detail… The colour of their eyes… the smell… the madness on their faces… The bruises fade away but the idea that something like that could have happened to you… it’s just stays forever in the back of your mind!

This might be one of the reasons why I can’t stand being touched by strangers… I need my distance… I know I can’t always have it but I am always careful not to touch strangers… Unfortunately the shared auto rickshaw doesn’t give you that option… You can actually feel someone else’s sweat staining your clothes… or maybe it’s just may mad imagination! I honestly doubt it!

I decided to be brave today and go home alone… I was tired and couldn’t focus on what I had to do… Diana, my friend from Colombia, usually works late and I decided not to wait for her. I hate shared auto rickshaws in Gurgaon but as transportation, I don’t have other choices to get home. The taxi is completely out of my budget!

So I left work around 6:20 and I took a circle rickshaw till I got to the auto rickshaw station. From the moment I put my foot on the ground I should have known that it will be trouble… I have never seen so many men coming in one place so fast… I hate it. I hate the stares and the attention. The look on their faces… So I got in front of the auto rickshaw thinking that this way less people will be able to stare at me… Of course I didn’t take in consideration the fact that the driver might not care about driving and decide to try and put his hand all over my body… I was wearing long trousers and a shirt and a sweater so not exactly enticing I would say… But again, people have totally different perspectives on what it’s beautiful and what it’s not…

The horror ride!

When I first felt someone touching me I thought it might be my imagination… But I moved a little just to be sure… That didn’t help… the bastard put his hand on my upper leg… And than I got mad… I asked him if he wants to die today… because I would have happily helped! He actually said that he has no control!!! Quote: “No control maam, no control!” Can you imagine that? When he took his hand from the wheel moving towards me again I just hit him with my elbow… And he kept staring at me… Thank God we arrived immediately at my station… You cannot imagine the words that left my mouth in the minute it took to get there… I just left and never looked back… I needed a shower and chocolate and a hug from my mum… I got the first two and a phone conversation… In moments like this, when I feel lost and alone, it gives me strength just hearing her voice!

I am thinking all the time of the consequences of absent/poor education and how this world would look like if people would have access to it… I strongly believe that what happened today was due to lack of education… No educated man would provoke pain, shame and humiliation to another human being…

I consider myself a strong person. I have been through a lot and I have seen plenty. I am easy going and optimistic and I believe that all humans are good deep down inside… I also believe that sometimes society transforms us in monsters… And that all the bad in this world is product/consequence of the way people live their life… Being so poor that you cannot learn how to read… being so poor that you become desperate… ready to steal, hurt, kill just to be able to feed yourself or your family… No human being should go through a thing like this! I remember being in Ghana and witnessing police brutality and mob brutality towards thieves… With brutality you cannot stop brutality… With pain you cannot heal pain… With hate you cannot nurture love…

So my beautiful India was not so beautiful today… I had my shower… I scrubbed my skin… I changed my clothes… and I moved on! Lingering on it, as humiliating as it was… will not change what happened!

Tomorrow is a new day!

Me? Looking for a place to stay in Phase 2, where I can take a normal rickshaw and go to work! Hextax is beautiful but I have my issues from the past and I don’t believe in provoking fate… Next time I might not be as lucky!

PS: My blog is like a confessional, like my own personal priest that listens and absorbs the hate and the pain, the joy and the laughter, the hope and the dreaming… I apologize if I shocked you with this post… I just don’t believe in putting make-up on experiences… I believe in knowing the good and the bad… no matter how bad the bad is!








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