Smells like “home-home”

12 06 2013

I considered all the places I lived in for more than 3 months as “home”.  Not like “home-home” but like that place I was ready to invest money, feelings and curiosity in, so I guess Ghana, India and Belgium all felt like home at some point in time.

I am now on my way to the home I share with Rach in Brussels. I am in the train and it smells like “home-home”. I haven’t been in Iaşi since September last year and suddenly I miss my mum’s chicken with baked bell peppers dish. Someone is eating in the train and it smells exactly the same. I am suddenly homesick and it feels weird as I didn’t experience it in a while.

I take the train daily and it can be quite an experience, especially today when I forgot my music at home and I am forced to listen Arabic tunes that I am not at all fond of, plus the sound of someone texting. I dislike people that don’t remove their key sound and text restlessly for more than 20 minutes. As I am ready to move to another wagon, he/she stops. And to be honest, I don’t want to leave my seat because the wagon smells like “home-home” and I miss watching my mom doing wonders in her huge kitchen. As I write this, the word kitchen makes me smile. Just yesterday we talked and I told her that I want to buy a studio for myself in my home-town. She immediately said that I must have a big kitchen. Kind of hard to accomplish that with a studio… While I still don’t want to get married or have children, I find myself more often than not wanting to own a place of my own. More than a studio, it will be a place to come back to, a refuge for when I get tired and I need a break from my life as an immigrant, globetrotter or global citizen, however you want to call me. I think I prefer “global citizen” best!

Going back to food, today I signed up for a gastronomy class on Coursera. I am very excited about it although I am not sure how I will fit it in my schedule. I am taking everything one month at a time. Working full time, doing my masters, volunteering and all my other activities are lately taking a toll on me, as lovely as they are. I haven’t written something I consider relevant since the Internal Combustion writing workshop on May 12 and I am not 100% happy with that story either. Plus I did not finish Anna’s story. It’s like it does not want to be written or maybe I am just looking for an excuse!

I am happy to say that my French is getting better. I wish I would have listened to “Madamme” Dolcu in high school when she was saying “Chick, you need to study.” Awesome awesome woman! But it was high school and I hated French and school in general. My wake-up call came later and here I am, every morning for 45 minutes, in the train to Antwerp, reading in French, learning vocabulary and trying to figure out how much progress I have made. But now I love French. Maybe I will find some time for Dutch too but not this year!

2013 is my best year so far. That is, if I stick to my schedule. The schedule that right now does not have a visit to me “home-home” in it. I mean to change that but I also want to fit in Cuba or Peru and honestly, that might prove to be cheaper! Travelling home to Iaşi feels like travelling to Asia, but with more stops, means of transportation and hours. I guess with more money spent too 😛

I have two exams in June. Both important, both difficult and time consuming! At the end of the day it feels good. Never thought that Global Information Management would prove to be so interesting! Or that 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night will feel restful and enough. But it works and after I will finish with everything this year, I am going “home-home” to have chicken with baked bell peppers in my mum’s kitchen and sleep. And maybe, before I turn 30 next year, I will stop feeling like all this effort is for nothing. And hopefully I will have my studio somewhere in Podu Ros, and maybe by then my home-town will be again the “city of linden trees” and the place to always go back to with joy! Because today, more than ever, it became clear to me that I will never go back for good. I am after all an immigrant, a globetrotter, a global citizen!

And by the way, exactly 4 years ago I started this blog. This is my 127th post. In June 2009 I was getting ready to go to Ghana for my life changing experience 😀 I know that for the past 2 years I was barely here but more stories now feel like they should be shared less… 🙂

somewhere in Brussels

somewhere in Brussels


20 04 2010

I guess that after 2 weeks it kind of was the moment to feel it… the longing… I am in my bed now and in front of my open eyes I have this image… the place I come from, the family I miss, the friends I wish I could have taken with me… The heat is somewhere there, in the back of my mind… It’s not so bad now, after the gym and the cold shower… yes, the same one I was complaining about in Ghana… here it’s more than a need! But still the sleep fairy avoids me…

I guess talking today and yesterday with my sister made everything come in a rush… but it’s different from the way it used to feel in Ghana… it lacks the desperation and the feeling that time just stopped and no matter what I am doing, it will never go away  fast enough… It lacks the tears I was praying for in Ghana… It’s so hard for me to cry… I haven’t cried for real since September 2008… Yes, I remember… because when I cry the world falls apart… my world… so I refuse to cry!

This longing is so different now… it’s not painful or sad… it’s just a feeling that refuses to go away… I don’t fight it… I don’t embrace it either…  I don’t want it… but I don’t hate it either…Somehow “maturity” popped into my mind… again I don’t feel it’s the case here… I am not a grown up… not yet… I honestly refuse to be…

The love I feel for my family bursts out in the oddest moments… when my family isn’t besides me… when I cannot scream it, voice it, touch it… I spent 3 months home and in the last 2 I didn’t knew how to show it better and enjoy it… And now I am longing to do it… For two months I felt trapped in my home… instead of enjoying the love cloud and the trust… Every time I am leaving I am saying to myself that next time I will not do the same mistake… But I know that the next time will be exactly the same… Dreaming of leaving… of a new adventure… followed by the longing after the love I left behind…

I would hug somebody right now just for the share pleasure of sharing someone else’s body heat. To quench the thirst I have right now for my love ones… I feel like I am a drug addict that desperately needs a dose… will it help? Maybe…

Me… a little bit homesick… but it will pass 🙂

PS: In my opinion “DOR” is the most beautiful Romanian word because it expresses love and longing for something you cannot have!

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